2023-10-21
Time slips. I let time slip. And I always regret it. It flows through my palms. It flows through my enclosed fists. No matter how tight I hold to it, it remains escape my hold.
People say that we all have the same 24 hours in a day. Technically, I agree with this, but conceptually, what they refer to is that we all have the same 24 hours that is up to us how we use. Now this is where my thoughts diverge from the usual cliche.
We do not have the same control over our 24 hours each day. Responsibilities dictates most of the time that we have no control over. They are set in stone and must be done. Not doing so will result to consequences that we would rather not deal with.
And responsibilities is what I have none.
I have no responsibility external to myself. This is the best case scenario as this leaves me with the most amount of time that I can spend on anything that I want.
What is bad about this is that it turns me into an unproductive hog that passively lives life by wasting it on consuming media and generally wasteful activities. By wasteful activities, I mean things I do that are generally not beneficial in the long term and thus does not provide any growth to any aspect of my being.
Time slips just like that. Done in a cynical and hedonistic treadmill, I cannot say that I did enjoy the moment, it was empty. I cannot put into words how empty the enjoyment was after I realize it after the act.
(I would've initially compare it to Sisyphus's endeavors, but doing so will do injustice to his afterlife.)
But there are moments when time slips and everything takes on a different hue. When the sounds become clear. When the sensations of the skin is momentarily complete and all-feeling, but the next instant is reduced to what is just necessary for the moment. When the sense of smell is reduced to nothingness. When the dizziness and heat is there but gone(???). When hunger that you were feeling 20 minutes ago was at its extreme but you consciously chose to ignore it, and it really was then gone.
I experienced this in different scenarios. Whether that is studying, watching a movie, socializing, or playing a game. The entity that is Aymklayd is nowhere to be found at that moment. I momentarily did not exist at those moments. All there is to be observed is the act, the motion, the moment. Nothing else exists.
All externals of that moment do not exist. I exist not as myself or a seperate being but as an element of that moment. I cannot even say that I am a participant of that moment because being a participant means that I am a part of it, but there is no "me" at those certain points.
The ego of Aymklayd was absent when it happened.
That is the feeling that I have always craved for whenever I feel empty, down, or outright in my worst state of mind.
When my resolve and focus has managed to be existent, firm and conjoined with my being, that is when I feel the most alive. This is the time time slips and I have no regret of letting it go.