2023-11-12
Though I don't have anger issues, I still try to manage my anger responsibly. My standards of being "angry responsibly" may be too strict for some but I have seen what my explosive episodes and silent/ignoring treatment have resulted to. It accomplishes nothing and more often than not even exacerbates the problem in the first place.
Out of this, I learned to be calm instead of exploding in anger. To be silent despite the internal turmoil that I chose not to manifest. It does not mean not getting angry, but choosing not to explode in anger. To consider the situation and do what can be best done. It does not mean being a rock that does not feel emotions as the emotion of anger is still there but choosing not to be destructive out of it. It does not mean limiting the expression of my emotion but on actively choosing not to irresponsibly act on my feelings.
The problem that I realized lately is that I resorted to numbness, silence, and noncholance instead of being calm. It is easy to take numbness as being calm as it effectively prevents me from acting immediately and impusively on my anger.
Based on pragmatics alone, it is very satisfactory. It accomplishes what needs to be done, at least on the surface. It disables any destructive desire that I have when anger is on me. It gives me a reasonable stand to be in with my emotion, whether it's on anger, sadness, or shame. Positioning me on the third perspective allows me a wider range of motion and decision-making.
Initially, it gave me ample time to process what the situation is and what needs to be done out of it or for it. The problem starts when it becomes a emotion-terminating action. At the very least it doesn't terminate my thought and problem solving, but it does terminate my emotions (or at the very least emotions as felt by my consciousness).
It doesn't give me the opportunity to feel my emotions. It is as if there never was any emotion for me to feel with. It makes it as if the event that just happened is as natural and gray as math or natural science problem. It distracts me from being an active participant of the moment. It removes me from being a living thing, experiencing what should be.
Numbness does take it toll on me. Feeling an incomplete set of something is not a pleasant feeling at all. It dulls living. It dulls the experience. It removes the humane part of living.